Here we offer you advice on how to get past the electronic messaging stage and into the real world
where you can telephone each other or meet up in person. You can read the thoughts you should have
when approaching this area together with timing considerations.
We also give advice on talking about difficult subjects for you or answering, and asking, awkward questions.
The main thrust of this of this chapter is to get you into a position to meet up in person but we'll also
cover the area of rejection.
Not only how to cope with it if you feel you are being rejected by someone, but also how to end a
relationship if things aren't turning out how you had hoped.
If your Internet romance stands any chance of blossoming into a true romance in the 'real'
world then sooner or later you will need to move outside of your dating service.
There are no hard and fast rules for when you should do this.
For some it may only be a matter of hours but for others it may be several weeks before you both feel
comfortable enough to start giving out your personal contact details.
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True romance relies on trust and if you don't trust each other enough with your real contact details
at this point there is little point in trying to move outside the system yet.
Give it a while longer and see how things go. In many cases there is an escalating scale of trust.
So you might give out your e-mail address to start with (maybe a Yahoo account?), followed by your
mobile number, then home phone and so on as you get more and more comfortable with each other.
This seems a sensible way of doing things, as many people, especially women, are a little nervous of
giving too much information away at once.
You shouldn't view this negatively or as an affront to your good nature as it may not have anything
to do with you at all - maybe a previous relationship turned sour and they want to play things very cautiously
this time. Rather than asking for someone's photograph we would always recommend that you offer your own first
after a few messages. It might be nice if you just attached it to a message without saying that you're going to
and without asking for one in return. Having seen yours' they will certainly think about sending one of their own.
If they don't send one back then you shouldn't push for one - they've already thought about
it and decided not to. It doesn't mean that they're unattractive. In fact quite the opposite may
be true - they may just want you to get to know them for their personality before dazzling you with their good
looks!
There are many reasons why someone may not want to add a photo to their profile or send you one separately.
Please respect their decision. If it's true romance it won't matter - you'll probably soon get to meet in
person anyway.
Most matchmakers probably agree that email is good for starting a romance. Without it you wouldn't be able to get
in touch with so many people or probably find out so much about them in such a short space of time. People tend to
be more open when they're able to remain anonymous.
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Other advantages are that e-mail is almost instantaneous and your email account is never engaged or out for the evening.
Matchmakers use messaging systems in slightly different ways but many protect the real identity of people.
One thing that many matchmakers warn of when using messaging systems is its immediacy - when you've pressed that button
it's sent. In a telephone conversation you can convey your meaning with a change in tone or a laugh and if someone
misinterprets something you get the chance to correct it.
You don't with email. Remember that we suggested the use of emoticons - most people understand the
basic ones - so do use them or another abbreviation such as (lol) after anything that you find humorous. Better be
safe than sorry!
You bet it can! There are millions of singles online these days and some are better than others at getting an Internet
relationship going. Some people are able to write great messages that are witty, intelligent and really warm.
The big difference between the virtual and the real world is that you are always building a picture of someone before
you've met. You may exchange photographs but that still won't really tell you whether there's any physical
attraction or chemistry between you.
Meeting singles online can make your imagination run away with you and before long you've convinced yourself that
this is the man or woman you're going to marry and set up home with.
As we said earlier we recommend moving outside your dating agency as soon as you both feel comfortable doing so.
Until then hang on to your heart and don't allow yourself fall in love with an image that you've created inside
your head. Once you've talked on the phone or, better still, met in person you'll be in a much better position to
decide how much chemistry there is between you. If it doesn't feel right then at least you have tried and there are
many more singles online for you to get in contact with.
This brings us on to another good point - there are some people that don't actually ever want to meet in person and
are happy just to have a virtual relationship. This appears more likely to be a problem with free dating agencies and
chat rooms etc.
However, it might be an idea to make it clear fairly early on that you need your contact to be looking for a real
rather than a virtual relationship. If it looks like your aren't going to find what you're looking for from a
particular relationship remember that there are lots more singles online looking for someone like you! If you've read
some other parts of this guide you'll probably have come across this before but we feel it's very appropriate for this
section - you must remember that it is very easy to be misinterpreted when using email. What seems witty to you can come
across in any number of other ways to someone else.
Couples who have been together for several years and who have a close relationship can easily start arguments by email
just because one of them has misinterpreted the other. So please do be careful. Perhaps end a joke with 'lol' or a smiley
:-) just to be sure!
Questions You Probably Want To Ask Sooner Rather Than Later
The majority of people that register with dating agencies are looking for true love. In short - a long term partner.
You remember that we seem to always recommend writing lists - well we do again here. There must be a whole load of
questions that you would like to ask a potential new partner. Write them down. Undoubtedly there will be some that you
will think 'I can't ask them that!' We'll come on to those later but there are some basic ones though that you
should ask to protect your own feelings.
Before you can find true love the most obvious question is whether the other person is available or not! You shouldn't
assume that everyone is single who registers with an online dating service. Apart from the few liars that you find the
world over, your definition of single may be slightly different from someone else's. Someone who is legally separated
but not yet divorced may classify themselves as single but you may not think that's single enough for you. Obviously
this is a judgement call that only you can make but you should ask the question so you have the facts to make a decision on.
On the other hand we would always recommend that you don't make a snap decision based on prejudice. For instance, if
you've never dated a divorcee before how can you reject someone as being unsuitable for you - just because one
relationship went badly wrong?
It might also be a good idea to ask how long it has been since the end of their last relationship and how serious it
was. You don't want to be an emotional caution for someone who is on the rebound. If your potential partner can't
stop talking about his or her ex then you might wonder just how 'over them' they are. Was the ex his or her one true love?
Some people register with a dating agency very soon after breaking up with someone as a knee-jerk reaction. Having been
in a relationship for a while it will feel very unnatural for them to be alone and people sometimes having this feeling
that any relationship is better than no relationship. Look out for the signs, and if you're prepared to be a support
in the hope that things will go your way then fine, but just be aware that the 'mourning' period for what was
considered to be their one big relationship can last a long time - sometimes even years.
Most of us don't like asking difficult questions - we don't like putting people on the spot or making them feel
uncomfortable, especially when trying to develop a relationship with someone. This is no different with someone that
you met through a dating agency than anyone else.
However, because you met through a dating agency is probably the very reason why you should ask the difficult questions.
Remember how we said that you don't have anything to go on except for the profile and the messages you have been sent?
Maybe you don't ask the difficult questions straight off but after two or three messages it's fine to start weaving
one or two in with each message. If they balk at the questions then you have to ask yourself whether they're ready to
open up for a proper relationship. Perhaps they have something to hide?
Anyone who is thinking seriously about you won't mind the awkward questions through your dating agency. In some respects
it can help to move things along because awkward questions, which elicit full answers, tend to make the bonding process
quicker as you have a greater understanding of why you are both the ways you are. Do remember that people do make mistakes
in their lives which they may or may not wish to repeat - it's up to you to decide where you think they stand on such issues.
Asking about ex partners is OK as long as you don't push too hard. If the relationship develops you will almost
certainly talk about this later. You might want to find out about their relationship with their family, although these
can be more complicated than they seem. Just because someone doesn't get on with their siblings doesn't mean they
can't compromise nor have a great relationship with you. Sometimes there is just too much water that has passed under
the bridge.
At some fairly early stage you really should try to meet some of their friends. As we said before, you don't need to
tell anyone that you met through a dating agency unless you want to. There is an old saying 'Know someone by their
friends' which often holds true.
If you just don't understand why your new date has certain friends then perhaps it's time to start delving a bit deeper.
Go back to that list of questions you wrote down a little while ago and see what you haven't asked yet. Dating agencies
that perform two ways matching will have done some of the hard work for you by putting you in touch with people that you
should have some things in common with.
It's unlikely that they've managed to find out absolutely everything for you though! If they had it might not be quite
so enjoyable finding out about each other. The questions that you ask will depend very much on you personally. However,
just to get you thinking we've put a few together here. If money were not an issue what would they really like to do with
their life and does this fit in with your dreams?
Do they have a high stress career which takes them away from home a lot - would you be happy with that? If you are both of
that age, do you see yourselves having children? What do they do to unwind - anything? Is say religion or any other
activity particularly important to them to the exclusion of other things? There are so many questions that could be asked
but remember that most dating agencies allow you to be anonymous for as long as you like so if you don't get the answers
you hope for you can break things off relatively painlessly without being concerned about being pestered.
While there was a time when it was hip for the glitterati to have 'open' relationships, most of the rest of us are
looking for an honest and monogamous relationship. Certainly most people that register with dating agencies express that
they are looking for a long-term relationship. You could ask direct questions but if someone is trying to lie then they will
probably lie to you directly! It may be best to work in the odd thing in a message from time to time talking about a 'friend'
while asking for advice or their opinion. That way you are far more likely to bring out a genuine response. It may even reveal
things about your potential partner's past as they personalize their response to you.
You registered with a dating agency to find someone special and so did they so asking the questions shouldn't be a problem.
If they're the right person for you then they will understand exactly why you're asking the questions and will probably
be quite impressed with you for wanting to be sure about them.
It shows that you're serious. They shouldn't take it in a negative way. The other reason for using the anonymous
messaging facilities of your dating agency is to ensure that you can get all these questions over and done with fairly
early on and before you meet in person.
It sometimes happens that people fall in love with an image that they have created in their heads rather than the reality.
If you have your list of questions and you're receiving the answers you want then you have every reason to be getting more
and more excited as each message passes. Having the list should stop you from getting carried away on a wave of excitement
when it's not justified though.
This is going to sound a little paranoid and most people that use a dating agency never have to deal with any of the following
but we're going to include it here as helpful advice. You might want to track responses that you receive from someone just
to make sure that there aren't any inconsistencies in their stories. OK, shaving a few years off their age may, in itself,
not be the biggest crime since time began but what else having they been less than truthful about?
It may help you to identify a potential problem for you early on if you keep a chart of the important facts updated with
each message. If you see a pattern emerging then it may be wise to break off contact and save yourself the heartache.
The purpose of this advice is not to make you suspicious of everyone that uses a dating agency or to make you 'shoot first
and ask questions later.' Just keep your wits about you.
Good question! We can't tell you exactly who to date. What online dating agencies can do is give you the potential to
meet many more and different people than you would in your everyday life. You may have to date lots of different people before
you find someone that you're happy with, especially if you're not sure exactly what you're looking for from a partner.
You may end up just having to date one person. Your mother or your friends might have a wish list for you but is it the same
as the list you made right at the beginning of this guide? If not, stick with your own! Dating agencies can provide you with
the type of person you asked for but you need to work out who you're looking for.
Feel free to ignore the following advice but we think it makes sense. Don't date someone who just has the material things
in life without anything deeper - it probably won't stand the test of time. It may seem exciting and different now but
when you have satisfied all you material wants, if there's nothing deeper, then what do you do then? Because you feel ready
for a serious relationship doesn't mean that everyone you meet through dating agencies will be suitable.
Sure, everyone has to make compromises in their relationships but some are just too great and can destroy your own identity.
Don't over-estimate how much you can change yourself or someone else in the pursuit of happiness. Most people revert to
type after an initial 'honeymoon' (no pun intended) period. Find someone that suits you as they are now and that you
can be natural with - they are out there. If you can't find one with your current service then there are loads of other
quality Internet dating agencies for you to try.
Don't lose your heart to everybody that sends you a message - it usually takes time for a relationship to develop and
you have all those questions that we talked about to ask first!
Almost anyone who has ever considered asking someone else out will have had thoughts of rejection in their mind. It's no
different here. Just because they registered with a dating agency doesn't mean that they're desperate and will go out
with anyone.
There are plenty of people who have successfully dated in the 'real' world that use dating agencies, so do not enter
into this with the expectation that everyone will say yes to your advances - they won't! Most of us at some point in
our lives have probably known someone that we thought wouldn't possibly want to go out with us - an unattainable! By
not asking you're probably going to end up 'settling' for someone that you think might go out with you and as a result
always be slightly dissatisfied. The great thing about using an online dating agency is that while no one likes rejection at
least you don't have to live with the fall-out that often happens in the 'real' world. Let's demonstrate:
you message a potential partner and they write back and say 'thanks - but no thanks'. OK, disappointing - but not that bad.
Compare that with say a new employee at your company who is considered to be highly attractive. You ask her out and get
rejected. No one need know - unless she tells a new friend who tells someone else … The only thing you can say is something
like 'Hey, I only did what the rest of you were thinking.' Doesn't really help does it?
If you're frightened of rejection then an online dating agency is probably the least painful way forward for you.
Remember that all it takes is for your invitation to be accepted just once - it could be enough!
Not everyone that uses dating agencies finds rejecting someone else easy. Despite most agencies recommending that if you
want to reject someone you should do it quickly and honestly, many people really aren't comfortable doing it. They try to
find subtler ways of doing it, hoping that you'll pick up on it.
We thought we'd try to write a crash course in rejection so that people might see it when or if it happens to you.
Obviously people find it relatively easy to reject someone on the first message and in fairness most people won't be
that upset about it. People find it harder to reject the more a relationship develops. If you've been trading messages
for a while but haven't yet exchanged any personal contact details and the messages suddenly stop then you've probably
been rejected. It may not be obvious why the messages have stopped. Dating agencies often suggest that you might try sending
one more message perhaps saying (if it's true) 'I was enjoying our conversations over the past days/weeks/months.
I'm sorry that I haven't heard from you for a while. I hope that you're just really busy and will write back soon.
If not, I won't trouble you again.' It says that you recognize what may be happening and you might get a message back
to say why things have come to an end or why that's not the case at all! Just because you haven't heard from someone
for a few days doesn't always mean the worst though. Your date may have been called away because of a family illness,
they may have had an accident or more likely something much less dramatic will have happened such as their computer going wrong.
Not everyone is able to fix their own and it may be away for a while being repaired! Even online dating agencies have
their technical problems so it may be worth sending e-mail to them asking them to check out your account.
Obviously, if you've got to the stage of meeting in person then it would be lovely if everyone would be honest enough
to give you a reason for not wanting to see you anymore. Unfortunately this isn't always the case but good indicators
are that their answering machine is always 'fielding' your calls and they don't call you back, or they say they'll
call and never do, or you feel as if you're making all the effort to get together.
Warning bells should be going off in your head if you've never met any of their friends especially after suggesting that
you'd like to a few times - why are they hiding you away? If any or all of the above apply to you then the best thing is
probably to just accept it and not contact them again - if they want to talk to you they know where you are. You'll also
give yourself an easier time rather than pursuing them and wondering if they'll call - accept it's over and move on
- there are many more people and dating agencies out there for you to try!
When you first started Internet dating you probably had many love matches to choose from and you possibly weren't sure
which ones to go for first. So instead of being negative about being rejected, if your last relationship has just fallen
apart, be positive - remember those heady days when you were almost spoiled for choice! Well now is the time to revisit
those matches and also to look more seriously at all the new ones that have matched with you since.
As well as reconsidering all your existing and new love matches it might be an idea to think about what you have learned
from your rejection. Was the relationship that great? Were there things that you would like to change - both about yourself
and your partner? If you feel that you really don't want to meet someone similar again then perhaps it's time to pull out
one of your original wish lists that you made at the beginning and think about revising it.
Once you've done that you can then change your requirements, and maybe the sort of person you are, if you learned something
about yourself from the last relationship on your dating service. Having thought about things in detail again it's time to
login to Love Positive again and make your changes.
First login and then click on 'My account' in your homepage. Now select 'Edit my profile'.
This will allow you to change both your requirements for the sort of partner that you are seeking and also the way you
present yourself to other users. This shouldn't take you very long and once you've made your changes you'll be presented
with a new list of love matches to get in touch with. It's more than likely that there will some overlap between the two
lists but you should be presented with plenty of new opportunities.
Rejection can be a good thing, so long as we always learn from our experiences. While it may be hard to welcome rejection
there isn't any need to be scared of it. Life does go on and there are definitely many more people out there looking for
someone just like you. Think, get back to your computer and expand your horizons again - your perfect partner could just
be online right now!
While turning someone down after an initial contact through your dating agency is pretty easy for most people it may be a
good idea to take things a little further by exchanging messages a few more times just to make sure that you have 'read'
the other person correctly. If you can't find anything in them that interest you by that point then it's fair to say that
you probably aren't a match made in heaven!
However, if you've progressed to the stage of meeting in person then you might also be tempted to end something after a
first date. While sometimes this will be the best thing to do you must remember that we all get nervous on first dates and
our nervousness manifests itself differently in different people. Some people can't stop talking; some people drink a little
too much, some people clam up and don't say anything. Of course, it has to be down to your judgement but if you think that
someone just needs to relax and be themselves then why not give them a second chance? Most people registered with their dating
agency for one reason and that was to find someone special so they may be so excited or nervous that you haven't seen their
usual side - we don't mean their best side - you don't just live with their best side! Of course, if you meet someone
through your dating service that behaves really badly, perhaps is abusive or frightens you in some way (and that applies to
both sexes) then you might want to consider reporting this to your dating agency. It is very unlikely that this will happen
but most dating agencies do have a facility to handle this problem. At this point you should break off all contact.
You may really want a long-term relationship more than anything else may in the world right now but you should not compromise
on your wish list. If you are unhappy in a relationship but you consider that it's almost better to have some relationship
than no relationship then you are selling yourself short. You deserve to be happy - that's why you signed with a dating
agency so bring the relationship to an end as quickly as you can and move on to bigger and better things.
Your dating agency will have many more people for you to choose from!
It is a cliché but any of the quality dating agencies will always tell you to treat others, as you would wish to be treated
yourself. It doesn't cost anything to be honest and decent about things and people will appreciate you far more for it.
Ending a relationship, even if it has only been an exchange of a couple of messages, is all about psychology. You probably
don't want to come across as the bad guy or girl - but you have decided that you don't want to see or exchange messages
with this person anymore. So what do you do? Many people, and let's face it most of us fall in to this category, want to
avoid confrontation. Therefore, we perceive the easiest way out to be to ignore the other person. Don't do it! It's rude
and just bad manners! Would you want to be treated like that if you were keen on someone? What you are trying to achieve is
the end of a relationship - at whatever level that may be. So end it - don't just leave it in limbo! You will thank
yourself for it in the long run and most dating agencies will be able to find you many other people for you to date.
You don't just want to hint at the end of a relationship and leave someone with the opportunity to come back with reasons,
pleas etc. etc. So end it, but do it nicely. Dating agencies are full of nice men and women just looking for the right person.
Maybe you've decided that this man or woman isn't the one for you.
If you feel that then in most cases the other party also feels the same way so it won't take much for you to go your
separate ways. However, it is always best to be firm but fair. Don't blame the other person for everything. In fact,
it's better not to go down the blame route at all - it will just create resentment in both of you. The thinking
person's way out is to complement the other person so that they feel good about themselves (you haven't made them
the bad guy or girl) and then deliver your reasons for not wanting to take things any further.
You should leave them in no doubt about your intentions - if you leave room for ambiguity here you may end up with the
late night pleadings that many of us have experienced at some point in our lives. It not big and it's not clever - see
yourself as saving yourself from this hassle and also saving the other person from behaving in an undignified manner.
Many dating agencies proffer this advice but it's up to you to make the position clear.
Moving the relationship from your Internet dating agency to the real world is the most important initial goal. It will also
tell you a great deal more about the person you have been messaging. While sending messages can tell you an awful lot about
each other ultimately you both should want to move this to the telephone and beyond.
You won't be able to hear someone's voice, or see if they have any excruciatingly annoying habits that you just can't
live with, until you take the relationship further. When you move away from your dating agency and into the real world is
largely up to you. You may feel you're ready to do that but the other party might not. Just be patient.
You've both got to feel comfortable with the timing and there's no point in trying to push someone into going faster
than they want to - it often has the complete opposite effect. So how long do people take to move from the virtual to the
real world? It's very difficult to say. For some people it's only a matter of a few minutes for others it can take several
weeks. Much depends on the intensity of messaging to start with and how much and how quickly you get to know about each other
online. So how do you ask for someone's phone number? The simplest way is not to ask for it at all! Instead of asking for
someone else's phone number why don't you give yours out. That way you are showing yourself to be an open individual and
offering someone an invitation to call you while indicating that you would like to move things along.
Your 'invitation' probably won't be taken up immediately, as the other party (often the woman) will want time to think
about it. However, while she does think about it there's no reason why you can't carry on messaging each other through your
dating agency.
We certainly recommend the above approach. By not asking for their phone number right out you are not invading their personal
security zone. You are allowing them a choice - they can choose to phone you or they can choose not to. The important point
is that you have allowed them to still feel and be in control of the situation and being in control of the situation is what
any quality dating agency recommends to all their clients.
This was perhaps a bad title for this page as it suggests something which dating agencies, BT and the Police take a very
dim view of! However, if someone does offer you their phone number so that you can call him or her you might still want to
keep yours secret. There isn't anything wrong in doing this and it's probably very sensible.
Dating agencies, like the rest of the world, are not full of multiple murders. The news may make you feel that you're
the only sane and normal person in the world but statistically speaking you would be very unlucky to start dating a serial
killer! However, there is no harm in making yourself as safe as possible.
Before you ring someone from your home withhold your phone number - your telephone company will be able to help you with
this if you don't know how to do it. Alternatively phone from a call box. You should not concern yourself about what the
other person will think of you if you withhold your number - dating agencies recommend this practice and it should come
as no surprise to them. They might initially be a little upset that you don't trust them but if they're worth being with
they will soon realize that you're just being cautious and sensible.
There can be many reasons why someone may not want to give you their phone number. They can range from not being at home
much due to work through to living in a shared house - they may not want you phoning up saying 'Hi, its James from
Love Positive' to one of their housemates. Nearly all dating agencies advise against this approach but it can still
happen. Respect the other person's wishes and don't try to push them into giving you their phone number. They will find
a way around the problem for you if they want to take the relationship further. Take things at the pace you are both
comfortable with and as things develop you will usually find these problems disappear.
This is probably one of the most daunting aspects of using Internet dating agencies. Once you've made your virtual
conversations you need to move to the telephone for the relationship to go any further. But how do you start a conversation?
Trying to be natural and relaxed is a good start. No one expects you to have him or her in stitches for the whole of the conversation and no one's
expecting you to tell them how you split the atom! Be normal and be yourself. Dating agencies can't do this bit for you - you're flying solo
from here on in! If you've been communicating electronically for a while then you may have amassed plenty of material to talk about - not only
the things you have in common but also the things you know nothing about but are interested in. By being interested in things that other people do, even
if you don't know anything about them, is a good way of expressing your interest in someone.
This is also your opportunity to secretly check out how honest your potential partner is. Does his or her story check out? Remember that someone can
spend hours thinking about how to best respond to a written message but on the phone there's no hiding place and the reactions you get will tell you a
great deal about the person. Remember we suggested keeping a list of all the important points that had come out in the messages? Well this is another
opportunity for you to use it to check out their story. If there are huge inconsistencies then you probably don't want to continue with the relationship
any further. Do not challenge your date on any points - just log them in your memory and decide how honest your potential partner is later.
You don't have to make it a long telephone conversation. If you get on extremely well then it may last for hours though! If it's gone well then you
might be bold enough to suggest meeting up but it's for you to judge how it's going - perhaps you need to talk on the phone several times before
a face-to-face meeting. All dating agencies advise you to be on your best behavior but you must be natural. Getting tongue-tied won't do you any favours
but if you are yourself then you should have your self-confidence about you. It's usually only when people are trying to be something that they're not
that they get themselves into difficulty.
Remember that this person might become your soul mate. Don't try to make them fall in love with something that you're not!
Love Positive
Love Positive is a dating website primarily for people diagnosed with HIV.
It is a place where you can find love, friendship and advice without the
fear and anxiety that can come from wondering how people will react when you
tell them 'I have HIV'.
Being diagnosed with HIV does not have to mean the end of love and
intimacy. It certainly marks a new chapter in your life, but one that can
be happy and fulfilled. So try being love positive, join us, and find what
you're looking for.
