Having looked at how to find the type of people you would like to get in touch with we now offer lots of great advice on how to get in contact with them. Using electronic messaging is at the heart of many dating agencies and learning how to get the best out of it is a bit of an art.
Making the first move on someone can be a bit of a daunting experience but we'll show you how it doesn't need to be that hard. We'll also let you in on how to avoid things going wrong by asking either too many or the wrong sort of questions too early. You will also find advice on what to do when you get a message from someone else!
Learning how to communicate by e-mail is extremely important. Many people use it several times a day at work so you will have a good idea how to present things and you will also know how things can sometimes be misinterpreted. you must remember that what and how you write is the only thing that the recipient has to go on. They can't see you smile or laugh so you must make it clear that a joke is a joke. Humour can go badly wrong by e-mail! We've known married couples start arguments by e-mail when something was misinterpreted.
Love Positive advises you to check for messages frequently. That way you won't have to wade through dozens of messages at a time. You will also be more inclined to answer them. As a point of good manners you should always acknowledge receipt of a message, even if it's just to say that you got it and will get back to them later when you have a little more time. It will also stop you from getting a load of "Did you get my last message" e-mails!
You should try to respond even if you're not interested in the person that sent the message. You don't need to spend hours thinking of a reason, you can develop a standard note that you send out to say your not interested. How about something like:
Hi,
Thanks for your message.
However, having looked at your profile I just don't think
that we would get on particularly well.
All the best in your search.
Regards,
Username
It's short and sweet and won't offend the majority of people that use internet dating agencies. You can probably come up with something a little better though!
One thing you should try to remember when sending a message through Love Positive and indeed any of the online dating agencies around today is that your message may get forwarded to someone else. You know how it goes: friends share little secrets and your message might be one secret they also share. You should consider your message to be an open letter and as such you should think quite carefully about what you are prepared to reveal about yourself, especially in the first instance.
It's also very easy to give someone else the wrong impression of you when using online dating agencies. We touched on this earlier when we said that you only have your written word to get your meaning across: no facial expressions, no inflexions of the voice to convey humour or any other feeling. What may be a slightly sarcastic comment or even down right humorous can come over as a real put down. Consider the use of emoticons to convey your meaning, they could save you from upsetting someone you're really keen on!
You may be computer savvy or you may be a long term user of online dating agencies but others may not be - so you must forgive other people's inexperience or mistakes. It's easy to type when you've been doing it for years!
Always be courteous and do not even think of sending hate mail or offensive messages, especially if you've received a rejection. We will have no qualms whatsoever about removing your messaging privileges on receipt of a complaint about you. Replying to a message needn't be that hard. Read the message you've just received very carefully. Did they ask you questions? If so, answer the ones that you feel comfortable answering. Did they talk about their interests? If so, ask them a little more about them to show that you are interested in them and their lifestyle. Perhaps you share a common interest or hobby? If you do then great - this can keep you messaging each other for ages and allow you to develop the relationship in the process. You should also try to reveal some things about yourself - what makes you 'tick' etc. Always ask some more questions in your response to make it easier for someone to write back. The easier you make it for someone to respond to you the more likely it is that they will.
There are lots of alleged 'self help' guides for single men in search of a partner available today but some of the most important points bear repeating. If you think you are unattractive and pathetic then that's the way you will come across to others. You can't expect any woman to take you on in that state and rebuild your confidence - you need to do that for yourself. Stop moping around moaning that you're single. Get positive and you'll soon find yourself a partner. There is one thing that single men can do without really being aware that they're doing it and that's pestering. Once you registered with us and you've sent someone a message and they haven't responded for an hour don't keep sending new one's every hour on the hour! If you pester then you'll never get a response - not a polite one anyway.
Click here to register free with Love Positive! Write one message and make it a good one and leave it at that. If you haven't heard after about a week there's no harm in sending another one through just to ask if it's been received - you could attach a copy of your first one. If you still haven't heard then either they're not interested or aren't picking up their e-mail. Assume that's an end of that contact and move on to the next. they may contact you later but if they've been away on holiday or on business they're not going to be impressed to see their whole 'inbox' full of messages from you. they'll probably think you're a bit weird and you won't get to go out with them anyway! Avoid the trap that many singles can fall in to - appearing desperate!
Remember, your contact doesn't know you from Adam. They've only got your profile to go on and any message that you sent. So don't talk about anything of a sexual nature, don't whinge about your ex, don't try to push too hard or try forcing them into giving away personal information before they're ready - you'll only frighten them off. Make sure you'resensitive and considerate, Love Positive WILL act on any complaints made against members who are deemed to be offensive or harassing. That's a lot of don'ts for those dating with us . The do's are much shorter - do be interested in the person, do be open, do be polite and do make it clear that you're quite happy to answer questions that they might have for you. Of course you can ask questions too but try not to make it a job interview and make it clear that they don't have to answer anything that they don't feel comfortable with.
The most important piece of dating advice is that you need to write an interesting message. Writing what your name is and saying " Message me!" isn't interesting. It'll usually get a muttered response something along the lines of "Good for you, hope you enjoy being single!" Equally sending a message with your complete life story starting from the age of four probably won't cut it either. You may be looking for a partner that hopefully will lead to something more permanent, but saying something like that on the first message is going to be a bit scary for most people, Believe us - people do sometimes send messages like these. Hopefully the dating advice in this guide will prevent some future mistakes.
Occasionally, some people decide that they are going to write a message which is overtly sexual in nature. Don't on any account be tempted to do this. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being a bit flirty, but if you take this too far and start telling, who is at the end of the day a stranger, of your bedroom exploits then you are very unlikely to gain a positive response. Love Positive WILL act on any complaints made against members who are deemed to be offensive or harassing- so please think before you send a message that could be interpreted in the wrong way, especially to a new friend.If we receive complaints about you then we may well bar you from the site altogether. Just think about it - don't make yourself look stupid!
The other piece of advice we have is don't try to write a 'one size fits all' opening message where you just copy and paste it into your message and fire off thirty messages in as many minutes! They are usually very easy for a recipient to spot and usually get ignored. You do need to make a bit of an effort. Hey, anyone of these men or women could end up being anything from your latest date to your life partner. Better to ere on the side of caution then and make some effort!
Right! The effort bit - you need to really read the profiles of the people on the site. Read those profiles carefully and think about how you can use the words they've written to make a message that they would want to reply to. It stands to reason that the easier you make it for them to respond to you and the more interesting you make you message to them that shows that you have spent some time on them the more likely you are to get one winging it's way back to you. Don't blow it with the 'cookie cutter' approach!
OK, so we've talked about the don'ts but what are the does to help find internet romance? We said before that you need to make some effort. Right, well one of the best ways of doing this is to pick up on a point in the profile of the person that you're writing to. It can be anything. Perhaps you might say that you are intrigued by where the photo was taken if one has been posted. Perhaps take a stab at guessing to show that you really did look at it in detail! Maybe you share a common interest that you can ask a few questions and share some experiences that you've had. Just because you're looking for internet romance doesn't mean that you don't have to try!
You might try humour straight off with a question at the end of it in an attempt to elicit a response. That might work as long as you make it clear that it is humour and you happen to be on the same wavelength. We have to emphasize that humour doesn't always translate that well once it's been typed out into a message, especially if it's a dry joke. Just think about all the different ways you use your voice to indicate humour, happiness, sadness or any other emotion you care to think of. This isn't available to you online so you might want to end your joke with 'lol' or a smiley ':-)' just to be sure that you won't be misinterpreted.
Starting an internet romance, just like any new romance, thrives on questions (not too personal or pushy though) and common interests. Make your message as interesting as you can and write it as well as you can. Not everyone is capable of writing great prose. That's fine, you don't need to be a great writer to strike up an internet romance. Just show you're interested and give opportunities for the other person to come back to you with some questions. Someone is far more likely to respond to a message that is easy to respond to rather than one where they've got to start from scratch. Try running your message through a spell checker before you send it, especially if you know your spelling isn't up to much. You want to give the other person a reason to respond to you and not ignore your message.
When Should I Make Contact And Writing For Success
There are loads of single women looking for a good man on the internet today but there are many more single men looking for a date. That means that speed is of the essence. Think about it - if someone has just registered with a dating agency and you send them a message immediately you are far more likely to get a response. To start with you'll be the first, or one of the first and the profile is new and fresh so it won't just be an old one which someone hasn't removed. You snooze you lose! So visit Love Positive daily and get ahead of the rest!
As we've said before, the only thing you have to make your initial impression with is words and your profile. However, it's the message that'll get you the date,your profile is more for information purposes. We wrote a lot about how to create a good profile earlier on and much of it holds true for your first message. You want to stand out from the crowd but not in an arrogant, self centred sort of way. Few will find that particularly attractive.
Your first message should pick on one or more points in their profile. You should be honest, without being a bleeding heart. Humour is a very attractive feature that many singles rate highly. Do use it carefully though for all the reasons we've already talked about.
Don't assume that people will be an expert on your interests or career so avoiding industry speak would be a good idea. After all no-one likes to be made to feel that they are inadequate in some way just because they don't understand things that are everyday to you. Women for example tend to be more interested in emotions, feelings and what makes you tick rather than whether you drive an open-top sports car. Your individualism should come out in you message. You want to make them think you're worth spending time on.
Remember that you don't just want to write one message so keep some material for later. If you put too much in your first message you may come across as trying to sell yourself too much a big turn off for most people. Give them a number of points that they can easily use to get back to you on, you hugely increase your chances of getting a response that way.
The starting point of almost all internet relationships is to find common ground to talk about. You only have one place to look for this before you send your first message and that's in their profile. We mentioned before how you should use this as the basis for your message and you'll find it much easier to compose your message that way as well.
While, in the beginning, some people may see subscribing to an online dating agency as a certain way of starting internet relationships there is a need to be yourself. There's little point in spending time messaging backwards and forwards if you never show that you hold an opinion about anything. Does it really mean that you don't have an opinion on anything or is it that you're too desperate to converse with someone, anyone? It will help everyone concerned if you do express your opinions. It helps others to know what makes you tick. No-one should have to stand listening to bigotry so if you hold highly controversial views you may want to water them down a little until you have sounded out the other party in a slightly more subtle way.
Open ended questions are a great way to get a conversation going. Essentially, any question that can be answered with a straight yes or no is a poor question to ask. For instance you might ask ˜Do you like where you live? That can easily elicit a one word response. However, try asking ˜What are the best things about where you live? and you're far more likely to get a fuller answer which may well give you more material to respond again. All internet relationships rely on the dynamics of electronic conversation to start with. It's not necessarily what you ask but how you ask it that can make all the difference.
Anyone to do with matchmaking will have an idea about the things that will probably be seen negatively by a potential partner. The following paragraphs were written with men mainly in mind - as they still tend to be the ones to initiate contact - but most of it holds good in reverse!
Do not ask for a photograph in the first message. Far better to wait for her to suggest swapping pictures before you meet so that you can recognize each other. All quality matchmaking services recommend that you do not push to find out personal information too soon. If a woman wants you to know something she'll tell you - or make it pretty clear that it's OK to ask her.
Be positive! Most people want to feel good about life and themselves, and much prefer spending time with people that share a positive outlook. Due to the nature of computers most matchmaking services can seem a bit clinical and so it's the messages that show the personality. Therefore, don't fill your message with a series of questions like you're interviewing someone for a job.
The whole point of joining Love Positive apart from making a non issue of your hiv status in relation to dating is to end up meeting women or men in the real world. So you obviously want to give yourself the best chance you possibly can. We've already talked about the things you might want to put in your message and the things you should avoid but should you send a message to all the men or women using Love Positive dating agency? The short answer is no!
Of course it depends on how much time you've got to write messages because, as we advised before, you will spoil your chances of meeting people if you produce a standard form message that you send to everyone. It's usually very easy to spot and won't usually get you a response. Hopefully we've put you off trying the cookie-cutter approach.
Nevertheless, it's unreasonable to expect that you will receive a response from everyone you try to make initial contact with. Some profiles will be old, some people may have found a partner and forgotten to take themselves off the service and some people just won't like your profile or message and won't respond. You may have to send several messages before you get a response. Let's face it, this is no different from the real world, not everyone you ever asked out on a date said yes did they? To give yourself the best chance of meeting someone we think you ought to send around six individually written messages at a time. After all could you really cope if everyone responded to you? Wait a week or so and if you haven't received any responses then write to another six and so on. If you really struggle to get any responses at all then you might want to re-look at the text of your messages or consider revising your profile. Many people find it helpful if they can ask a close friend to do a critique of their profile - maybe they see you differently and more positively than you see yourself. Perhaps you're giving out the wrong impression?
How Does An Internet Romance Differ From Meeting Someone For Real
Relationships that start through singles sites are very different to those that happen in the world. One of the strange things is that when you start messaging each other things can move really quickly. You might message each other several times each day, especially if you're able to use the Internet at work. That way you'll cover so much ground really quickly. What might have taken you weeks to find out about each other can sometimes only take a couple of days.
People that meet through Love Positive will have the benefit of anonymous messaging which, as we explained before, allows you to send messages to each other through the site without either of you needing to know even each others e-mail address. This appears to give people great confidence to move things along quickly and enables you to throw some caution to the wind. It's likely that you will open up much more about yourself and your dreams for the very reason that you are in control of the situation. If you don't like the way things are going then you can just stop messaging, they can't pester you with umpteen phone calls or call you at home because they don't have any of these details.
Singles sites also allow you to send messages to people that you wouldn't normally come into contact with in the real world. For instance, you might do the night shift which means that it would be hard to have a relationship with someone that works more sociable hours even if your paths did ever cross! Using the Internet to sort out your love life gets around this. You can send a message at any time of the day or night, the internet never sleeps! Your contact can likewise respond whenever they like.
So relationships can move faster, its not unknown for messages to be sent one day, a date set up for the next day and a relationship to blossom from there. It doesn't always happen as it obviously depends on how much time each of you are able to spend composing messages to each other. However, singles sites such as ours do have that ability and effect on some people. The flip side to this is, of course, that you can also spend several weeks getting to know each other electronically before perhaps moving to a telephone conversation or two and then maybe a date. The important point to remember is that you're in control whereas in the real world you are less so.
Great! Excellent news! This is where all online relationships first start. Now stop doing a lone Mexican wave in front of your PC and read the message. OK, now read it again and take in what it says! If you don't like what you read at all then it's a quick message back saying "thanks but no thanks." However, you are far more likely to want to respond, there aren't many messages that are so bad that you don't want to explore this person a little more. Now what should I do?
You could play it cool and decide to leave it a few days before you respond, not smart! You could dash some drivel off and send it, don't do it! You might be just about to go away on a business trip or holiday, send a nice note saying that you got the message and you're interested in talking more (if you are) but that you are going away. Make a commitment to write back on a particular date if you can. What if you're interested, not going away and don't know where to start? Tricky, but all online relationships have to take their first faltering steps somewhere.
The important thing to remember is that you registered with your online dating agency to find online relationships and so did they. They've taken the trouble to write to you - so they are interested in you. You've got to drop a pretty big clanger to kill it in one message so make sure you've read the advice on messaging in this guide and get thinking about what you want to say. Use their message as a starting point together with their profile and aim to get a message back to them within a day of you receiving theirs. If there are any questions in the message that you don't particularly want to answer then you can just ignore them. Hopefully, the other person will pick up on the fact that you haven't answered them and take the subtle hint that you're not comfortable answering yet. It's also probably a good idea to write out your response in rough first so you can read it back to yourself and see how it sounds before sending it.
Online relationships don't just happen out of the blue. Expect a slow start - but be prepared for things to move more quickly than you could have imagined possible!
Love Positive
Love Positive is a dating website primarily for people diagnosed with HIV.
It is a place where you can find love, friendship and advice without the
fear and anxiety that can come from wondering how people will react when you
tell them 'I have HIV'.
Being diagnosed with HIV does not have to mean the end of love and
intimacy. It certainly marks a new chapter in your life, but one that can
be happy and fulfilled. So try being love positive, join us, and find what
you're looking for.
